Individual pursuit

No time today for a lengthy post.  But I did want to make special note of Taylor Phinney's recent Twitter exhibition of what I consider to be the beating heart of the true Olympic spirit: horniness.

How else can you explain a blatant exploitation of the soul-crushing loss of someone's dreams and aspirations for the last 8 years as your own personal hole-shot for a hook-up?

Who says the individual pursuit isn't an Olympic event this year?

Chapeau, Taylor.  Fingers are crossed....

Olympic news; failures, retractions and booger-eating

I need to start today by issuing a full retraction on a statement I made last week about people needing to give the entire "#NBCFail" thing a rest.  Why have I changed my mind? At the end of last evening's prime time recap coverage, NBC chose to feature another interview of Missy Franklin by Bob Costas during which he showed her a taped greeting from Missy's obsession, "The Biebs".  During said video, Bieber is holding his little brother who proceeds to pick a booger out of his nose and then eat it while Bieber speaks.
Missy is naturally completely smitten by this and turns inside out with giggly teenage hormones and issues her own publicly televised response.

The only, and I repeat ONLY, way this saccharine, cringe worthy, non-Olympic moment could have been salvaged to be watchable in any way, is if Missy picked up and held the diminutive Costas in the same fashion Bieber had held his little brother, and let Bob pick and eat his own nose rocks during her reply.

I don't fault Missy here.  She's a kid and should be allowed to act like one.  I don't even fault Bieber's little brother for eating his own boogers on air.  If I was being forced to be on national television held by Justin Bieber, I would try to demonstrate some act of defiance myself.  No, I blame NBC and that ass-munch Costas for essentially ripping off the Brady Bunch episode where Marsha makes an ass over herself falling for the Monkee's lead singer Davy Jones.  There were clearly no other worthwhile Olympic themed stories to tell during that time.  Why would NBC prefer to spend those 5 minutes telling an inspiring story of the hardships some athletes from less-privileged backgrounds (say from Mongolia, or Uzbekistan, or France) must face in trying to not even win a medal in the Olympics, but only qualify or even find the money to travel to the Olympics?  Yes indeed, full retraction issued.  NBC, you suck.

And speaking of stories from the Olympics that aren't getting enough air-time.  Check out British track-cyclist-phenom, Chris Hoy's, hot pants!

"The University's research team said the Adipower muscle-warming pants would offer a "real benefit to performance."

Real benefit indeed!  Rumor has it that the Swedish track team stole a pair of the hot-pants upon arriving in London and decathlete Bjorn Barrefors overdosed on them prior to his pre-competition warm-up....

And this reminds me that one of the least reported stories of this year's Olympics is the supposed sexual proclivity of some of the athletes.  It seems that the media is being very shy about reporting on the issue and I've only seen about 200 articles published on the topic of the athletes humping like little bunnies in the past month.  Luckily, Aussie BMX cyclist Caroline Buchanan is staying "on top" of the situation and brings us the following photo via her Twitter feed:



Yes, apparently the Australian government didn't feel as though the 150,000 condoms that Durex supplied to the athletes for this year's competition would be adequate for their squad so they decided to bring their own.

But if watching your hearthrob's little brother eat his own boogers while wearing hot pants and having casual sex with uber-athletes who are still trying to get rid of the crabs they picked up in Beijing doesn't make you want to live vicariously through the life of an Olympiad, perhaps this website hosted by the BBC will help.  Titled "Your Olympic athlete body match", you can plug in your height and weight and find out which athletes you are closest to in body size.

A mystery to none, I'm of rather large proportions, so was really curious to see which Olympic athlete I might be comparable to.  I figured I probably wouldn't match up with the aforementioned Bjorn Barrefors, or Ryan Lochte (much to the disappointment of the GEEC) but still my hopes were high as I embarked on my athlete body-matching quest.  What I learned was that I am, unfortunately, too big for this frequency distribution and am apparently "off the chart" so to speak.  So, instead of returning a single male athlete's name, the program said I was actually equivalent to the combination of two athletes.  More specifically I'm the size of a double version of Bahrain runner Ali Hasan Maboob.  Don't believe me?  Check out Mahboobs...

Time for a reality check.

I think everyone needs to sit back, and calm the fuck down for a minute.

By now everyone has heard that only hours after the Olympic cycling time trial competitions, in which Bradley Wiggins and Kristen Armstrong won the men's and women's fields respectively, a 28 year old male cyclist was run over and killed by a double-decker bus carrying some Olympic journalists.

The incident was described on reddit.com by another cyclist who witnessed the entire thing first hand.  I read it last night and it was harrowing.  Essentially the cyclist rode up along side the bus when it stopped at a light, instead of waiting behind it.  When the light changed, both the cyclist and the bus made left turns (the equivalent of the right turn here in the states) and the cyclist got pinched between the bus and the curb with no where to go and was dragged underneath the tires.  The bus stopped and the observer rushed to the aid of the trapped cyclist.  The individual who witnessed all of this and originally described it has subsequently taken down the description for fear of offending the killed cyclist's family, however did leave the following partial description:

"I crawled up to him and tried to talk to him.  I asked him his name and told him he was going to be alright.  He didn't say anything because I don't think he could, but he looked straight at me.  I did my best to look him straight in the eyes and tell him he was going to be ok.  He was so afraid."

Naturally, the media turned to Bradley Wiggins for a comment on the incident:

"...if you get knocked off and you ain't got a helmet on, then how can you kind of argue."

Immediately, Twitter erupted with such vitriol toward Wiggins that you would have thought that he pushed the poor man under the bus himself.  And out of context, his statement does sound pretty ridiculous, making it all the easier to make Wiggins the target here.  BikeSnob NYC was already amongst those taking shots at him on Twitter this morning. 

But I'm asking myself, why did anyone in the media think that asking Bradley Wiggins to comment on this incident moments after a fierce competition was a good idea?  Did that gold medal he won suddenly make him an expert on bicycling safety?  Does anyone really think Wiggins commutes to work through the busy city streets every morning and night?  Will Wiggins be training for his next race by riding the streets of downtown London through city traffic? 

And even if you did want Wiggins' take on the situation, who thought it was a good idea to ask him literally hours after he just competed and won one of the biggest races of his life?  I'm guessing his head was probably somewhere else at the moment, and he may have already had a few of those vodka tonics he was suggesting he would be consuming after the race.  In his defense he goes on to clarify that he is unfamiliar with the city these days:

"It's dangerous, and London is a busy city.  I haven't lived in London for 10 to 15 years now, and it's got a lot busier since I was riding a bike as a kid round here.  But at the end of the day, we've all got to co-exist on the roads.  So there's got to be a bit of give and take."

I'm not defending Wiggins at all - honestly, I have no feelings for or against the guy.  I'm merely saying that to praise Wiggins one moment for his great achievement and then crucify him literally an hour later for a singular uninformed reactionary response to a situation he knew precious little about is stupid. But it is so typical for the cycling twitterati that Wiggins has already referred to as "bone-idle wankers," and to be honest, I couldn't agree more.

It's similar to those that are incessantly bitching about the supposed failures of NBC to adequately cover the Olympics resulting in the increasingly popular #NBCFail hashtag.  According to one report, the number of #NBCFail tweets was 212 on July 27 and had increased to 20,000 by July 29th. 

Granted - I think Bob Costas and Ryan Secrest are as much a couple of ass-munches as the next guy.  But this level of whining is worthy of becoming its own Olympic sport considering that all anyone has to do to witness the events is sit their fat ass on the couch and flip through one of 5 different NBC affiliates to see virtually any Olympic Sport 24 hours a day.  I watched fucking PING PONG the other night at 1:32 AM just because I could!  My thought is that if you don't like the way NBC covers the Olympics, fly to London and watch them live!

Bradley Wiggins rides his bike for a living and isn't a hero for winning a gold medal, and he certainly isn't a spokesman or expert on bicycling safety or infrastructure.  And I'm quite sure he knew very well that a helmet wouldn't have helped this individual.  But he isn't a villain either.  He is an entertainer.  Period.  He is also a husband, and a father and he wants the same thing we do:  to ride his bike, and get home safely to his family at the end of every day.  So everyone just take a deep breath and calm down and ride a little safer today - OK?

Irrelevant but inspired

Sometimes (frequently) my day job is incredibly busy for stretches that last weeks at a time.  I'm in one of those stretches right now.  During times like this, it is difficult to do other things like spend time with the GEEC, or ride my bike, or blog, or read, or play with the dog as much as I would like.  And while the dog will still be happy to play with me late at night when I sometimes get home, and my books will wait patiently on the nightstand for me, and not that many people really read this blog anyway, and the GEEC is usually happy to have a break from me now and then.....not riding really gets me down.  Because not only do I lose the daily stress-relief that comes with an early morning or evening ride, but if too many days go by, then I feel myself losing a fitness level that is not easily achieved for me, and I start to slide backward.  And this is beyond frustrating.  I stop feeling relevant and part of the group that, for whatever reason, I try so desperately to be relevant in.  This reminded me of something I read on BikeSnob's blog yesterday....

Yesterday, BikeSnob NYC commented on the New York cyclist and master's Cat 2 amateur racer David Anthony who recently tested positive for EPO at this year's NYC Gran Fondo.  The New York Times ran a story on he and other amateur cyclists who have recently been caught doping and quote Anthony as saying:

"It wasn't for money, and it wasn't for winning," said Anthony, a three-time winner of the Tour of Battenkill race in upstate New York. "It was about being relevant in the group, which was pretty addicting."

BSNYC does a pretty good job (as ever) at mocking Anthony, and specifically takes aim at his motivation.  He says:

"Winning, I can understand, but he actually did it for social standing?"

Snob then suggests Anthony has less hope at redemption that someone who serially abuses cocaine.  I certainly am not condoning Anthony's actions in any way.  However, if there was ever a motivation for doping that I could at least comprehend, feeling "relevant" in a group would be it. 

This brings me to the Olympic Road Races of this past weekend, of which I made several observations.

#1)  The future of men's American cycling is so bright, it needs to wear shades.  At one point, there were three breaks that had formed on successive trips up Box Hill, and each one had an American in it: Timmy Duggan, Tejay van Garderen and Taylor Phinney.  They were tenacious, relentless and passionate literally, to the bitter end.

#2) Ditto for the women's race.  Evelyn Stevens and Shelley Olds' relentless attacks through the rain and slop were nothing less than pure inspiration.  On any given day, they could have been on that podium.

#3) For the several Lance-supporters who have told me they were disappointed to see a former doper (Vinokurov) win the men's race.  It truly is the time to wake up and smell the turd in the chamois, guys.

#4) Giro winner Ryder Hesjedal auctioned off his pink jersey to financially support country mate and fellow cyclist Denise Ramsden so that she could compete in this year's Olympic games.  One hundred Canadian Olympic athletes were short of funds to be able to compete, but thanks to the $10,300 that Hesjedal's jersey brought, Ramsden's trip was covered and then some. 

And in case you needed any more inspiring stories....check this out. 

The British (Olympics) are coming! Quit idling your bones!

Talk about low-hanging fruit.  This is almost too easy.  What can one say really?  The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree?  Like mother like daughter?  Don't worry, Mark - at least when your daughter's mother lifts up her dress, she does so while contemplating troubling geopolitical issues...Take this interview Peta Todd did for Loaded Magazine in which her dress has most definitely been lifted, but which doesn't stop her from thinking deep thoughts...

I sleep better at night knowing that while Peta Todd is showing her ass, she is also worried about the goings on in Pyongyang.  It's certainly more than what I am capable of when I am showing my ass, which usually occurs when the GEEC is eating her breakfast in the morning before work and I saunter out of the shower and drop my towel, turn around and say "Hey honey, did you see that beautiful full moon this morning?"  But as we've recently learned from Bradley Wiggins, Brits truly have their own unique vocabulary.  For example, in America, we use the term "couch potatoes" to describe the slothful, but in England, they are called "bone-idle wankers" as Wiggins instructed us not long ago.  However, it seems to me that the terms "wanker" and the state of being "bone-idle" seem to be contradictory (because if you are of the male persuasion, your 'bone' is anything but idle if you are......anyway - you get the picture.)  But what do I know - I'm just a "Yank" (which coincidentally enough, is a synonym of "wank" isn't it?)  At any rate - in specific reference to Peta and Mark and their concerns over the newly demonstrated exhibitionist tendencies of their daughter, the term "ass" when referencing one's posterior, isn't really even used in England as far as I can tell.  It's called an "arse" or "bum," I believe. 

And the discussion of "bums" brings me to what I really wanted to talk about today.  Not English "bums" but the good old-fashioned American version.  As you know, a little sports competition is set to begin this weekend in London called the Olympics, and there will be a handful of men and women riding their bikes in it.  On Saturday and Sunday are the men's and women's road races, respectively, and on Wednesday is the time trial.  I was curious to see who was going to be representin' (which is an American term) for the various countries, so I checked out this website showing the London Olympic 2012 cyclist's profiles complete with pictures used on their official ID badges. 

I was struck by how much the photos resemble mug-shots and look like a cavalcade of the homeless and incarcerated.  For your viewing pleasure, I bring you my favorites with some fictional charges they may have been brought in for. 

Sylvain Chavenel:

Heavily intoxicated,  he was arrested Monday morning at 3:30 AM in a Paris disco for asking a waitress to "rub his sore joint".

Taylor Phinney:

Brought in for questioning early yesterday regarding the theft of three extra boxes of condoms from the Olympic dispensary.  Upon questioning, Phinney stated, "You can never have too many spares...I live in fear of a puncture when I'm riding."

Frank Schleck:

Arrested last week for disorderly conduct when he was caught urinating through the open sunroof of a Nissan Altima owned by one Johan Bruyneel.  When questioned, he said, "I just suddenly had to go pee-pee very, very badly...."

Jakob Fuglsang:

Charged in Austria with indecent exposure when he tried to get a female pedestrian to fondle his "prized bratwurst" won during the recent Tour of Austria.

Fabian Cancellara:

Interrogated last week for allegedly dispensing diuretics without a license.

Cadel Evans:

Confused and disoriented, he was arrested late last Sunday evening for disorderly conduct when he was discovered staggering down the middle of the Champs-Elysees wearing a 2011 maillot jaune and no pants, saying he was looking for his lost stuffed lion plushie.

Branislau Samoilau:

Questioned Tuesday evening in London for the theft of Jonathan Vaughter's favorite argyle cardigan.

Peter Sagan:

Arrested for lewd conduct Wednesday morning in the outskirts of London during a training ride because passers by complained he had a cucumber stuffed down the front of his chamois shorts.  Upon further questioning, the accused, who is also known as "The Velvet Samurai," explained that he was just practicing his new victory salute for when he wins the Olympic road race.  An ensuing search was unable to identify any vegetable in his pants, however.  Charges were dropped. Bonsai.

Chris Horner:

Arrested for indecency when he was caught in public kissing the exposed derriere of an adult male wearing a Texas Longhorn's jersey with a giant yellow number '7' printed on it.

Timmy Duggan:

Found guilty of total bad-assery. Go get 'em Timmy!