Friday, June 8, 2012

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on, unless you're into that sort of thing...

Two days ago, I was convinced that we, as a race, had finally perched ourselves so far out on a ledge overlooking a chasm of such depravity that the very existence of humanity itself was at risk for being lost forever.  But today, there is news that some degree of normality has returned to civilization.  No, I'm not speaking of the story that Alberto Contador is NOT, in fact, going back to ride for Johan Bruyneel and team RadioSchleck as was recently rumored, but will instead be renewing his love affair with Bjarne Riis and Team SaxoBank for the next 3 years.
(They are so cute when they cuddle)

No, far more comforting than this, is the news that the Octomom will NOT, and I repeat, NOT, be dancing topless after all.
(Thank the dear, sweet Lord).

In other news, I was at Schnuck's this morning stocking up on several tubs of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" which I use as chamois cream for no other reason than I find the name apropos as 'I can't believe I'm not smarter' and haven't just quit this God-damned sport with how slow I've become over the past month.  Thus, my taint doesn't deserve real butter.....and until I speed up, I'm giving it this synthetic shit.  After my non-butter purchase, I decided to peruse the magazine rack to look for some additional inspiration in the periodicals.  Naturally, the first magazine I always reach for is Cosmo, as I like to see if there are any new depilatory techniques I should be aware of, because even though I'm as close to being a real cyclist as I am to being a fucking astronaut, I can still maintain the charade in my mind - plus I don't like chafing in my bikini area.  Luckily I found the Cosmo quickly:
And lucky for me - this issue is a double bonus.  In addition to tips on new gentler razors, the cover sported the title of a story with a lot of potential: "Eeek!  You'll die when you read what these "normal" guys wanted once their pants hit the floor."  Well, I'll tell you what the ONLY thing that THIS "normal" guy wants when his pants hit the floor....and that is not to have these legs staring back at him from the mirror.
(Plus, the GEEC keeps complaining my nails are really scratching up her legs in bed at night).

Anyway - after snagging my Cosmo, I also picked up the June issue of "Men's Urnal"

I'm not sure who the guy on the cover is this month, but it sounds like his "troubles are behind him and he is out to dominate a new sport."  and thus might have some good advice on which fixture I should install in the new bathroom I want to put down in the man-cave.

(I'm sort of partial to the trough myself.)

But something tells me he won't have any decent advice since he apparently doesn't even use the urinals when he goes into a bathroom, but just looks in the mirror, assumes a time-trial pose and pisses straight into his chamois. 

It must be a tri-thing?

"The Act: The Key to letting it all go is a downhill slope, relaxation, and a carefree attitude....Once you crest [the top] of the hill, stop pedaling, stand up on your bike, and try to relax a bit....Once gravity has taken over and you start descending, let loose.....Also don't worry about other people behind you.  Once they realize what is happening, they will get out of the way very quickly."

No thanks!  If I have to piss myself, I'll do it for a worthy cause, like waiting in line for concert tickets to a really talented band or something.

Anyway - long time readers will know I reserve a little space for letters on Friday - so let's get though a couple:

Dear PooBah,

I'm new to road cycling, but have been invited on a number of different group rides lately.  The Tuesday night one sounds like fun, but I've heard the sprint finishes can get a little dicey.  Is there anyway to ensure I won't get cut off by somebody else?

Any advice would really be appreciated!


Hey Greg-
Welcome to a sport that will fill you with years of passive aggressiveness from people trying to quietly kick your ass while acting supportive of enjoyment.  My best advice is to ride this:

Good Luck!

Dear PooBah,

I may have committed a bit of a faux pas at the last group ride and I wanted to get your advice on how to remedy the situation.  Firstly, I overslept a bit and showed up at the designated meeting place a little late.  Then, as the group was assembling to get ready to head out to do a 50 mile training ride, I was trying to clip into my peddles and fell down right in front of everybody.  I feel like a fool as I'm afraid this makes me look like a total amateur.  After I fell, I was so embarrassed that I just sort of trailed off the back and went home.  My questions are: 1) Do you think anyone noticed, and 2) Do you think I should show up again next week?

Thank you!

You failed to mention you were also apparently liquored up on Night Train.  I would say that your biggest amateur move was missing the bed pan.  Better luck next time!

Dear PooBah,
I have a question regarding cycling fashion.  I've read somewhere that if you wear arm or knee warmers with your kit, that absolutely NO skin should show between the tops of the warmers and the jersey or shorts.  Is this true?  I think I may be offending this unwritten rule and am worried I might be laughed at by the cycling community.
Let me know as soon as possible, please!

That rule only applies if you're not wearing stripper boots.  As long as you are - you're doing it just right!

Have a great weekend, kids - and good luck to all of those going to St. Genevieve.


  1. Friday mail!

    Another sign that the world may receive a stay in execution.

    Thank you sweet dear baby Jesus!

  2. "Welcome to a sport that will fill you with years of passive aggressiveness from people trying to quietly kick your ass while acting supportive of enjoyment."

    That line really got me.

    Also, no, I can't remember the HTML code for strike-through, but yes, I'm too lazy to Google it.