Friday Mail: The Bigfoot-Bieber Challenge

In keeping with the running dialogue we've been having with those readers who wish to remain nameless, this comment was left on Wednesday's post:

Anonymous said...

"If the Bieber ever showed up at a cross race with that bike he would beat Poobah and 3/4 of the other COMO Spandex wearers. "

Well that sounds like a challenge to me.  I'm willing to go on record saying right here and right now that I've got more cyclocross talent in my little finger than Justin Bieber has in his entire thumb.  And he has a big effing thumb!

As for my COMO compatriots...I will have you know that in last week's Bubba cyclocross races in St. Louis, COMO kids won the Elite Men's 1/2 races both days, secured 3 of the top 5 places on Saturday and now occupy 5 of the top 10 places in the overall points competition.  (Check it here).  A financial comparison reveals that the combined monetary winnings of all these achievements is comparable to what Bieber earns in approximately 0.03 seconds while on tour.  So suck on that, Anonymous!

And speaking of Bubbacross, throwdown #3 is this Sunday in Fort Belle Fontaine park.  If you are closer to KC, then the Shawnee Rescue Radcross is happening Sunday.

On to some other mail!

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Dear PooBah,

It looks like there was a sighting of Sasquatch at Bubba Cross!

Yvette

Yvette,

My initial response to this was "Crap! - I already have enough competition as it is! I don't need to duke it out with yet another Sasquatch - because if he kicks my ass - then not only will I be the worst Cat 4 racer out there, but I'll be the worst Squatchy Cat 4."  However, upon closer inspection, I've determined that #1) this photo wasn't taken at Bubbacross - which means you pilfered this pic from the Interwebs and that's going to piss off one of my Anonymous readers (well done) and #2) this isn't a Squatch at all!  If you look closely - you will see a tiny blonde-headed woman clinging to the back of this simian signifying to me that this is actually King Kong.  Therefore, I still contend that I'm the fastest Squatch on a bicycle.....that is until Bieber's big-ass hairy thumb wants to challenge me.  Thanks for the photo anyway.

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Dear PooBah,

Have you seen this sweet deal that RadioShack is offering?  I wonder what the ramifications will be for Bruyneel's new "RadioShack-Trek-Leopard Presented by Nissan Thereby Snubbing Mercedes" team?

Samuel G.

Sammy-

Wow - whereas this would certainly be a popular incentive here in the states, no telling how the Luxembourgians are going to take to it.  I decided to get in touch with Bruyneel to see what his opinion was on this matter and this is the reply I got.

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Dear PooBah,

During my last gravel ride, I happened upon an individual lying in the weeds along the side of the road.  I really didn't know how to handle this situation, so photographed it to get your advice.

Should I have,

A) Checked this gentlemen for a pulse?

B) Tried to rouse this fellow and set him on his way?

C) Called 911 immediately?

D) Gone to the nearest house to inquire if they knew the cyclist's identity?

Thank you!

Randy F.

Randy-

Wow - the dude certainly is giving the stitching on his vintage wool Brooks L'Eroica jersey a workout -eh?  He's clearly OK by the way he's using his meaty right bicep as a pillow and has his vintage bidon nearby.  Therefore, I think you overlooked the best option which I would refer to as 'option E'.  First, hide his bicycle behind a nearby shrubbery.  Second, empty the entire contents of two Gu gels into his left hand.  Third, get back on your bike and ride by him slowly, exclaiming as loudly as possible, "Dude - there's a fucking scorpion on your face!"  Forth, accelerate.

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Dear PooBah,

Of all the new additions team BMC has made to their roster, who do you think will prove to be the most valuable next year?

Thanks!

Lisa P.

Lisa-

Great question - but a no brainer as far as I'm concerned.  It has to be M.C. Gruntsworth.  Originally from China, he's small and agile, will ride for practically nothing, and can't talk back if he starts getting unhappy.  However, he's been known to destroy hotel rooms if left alone, enjoys licking his genitals and may need to use some breathe-right strips in some of the more mountainous stages.

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Dear PooBah,

I'm a bicycle pizza delivery guy and my job depends on me delivering pies to my customers quickly or else they get the pizza for free, and it is taken out of my paycheck.  The problem is, I feel so sluggish on the bicycle. What's the quickest and easiest way to get faster.  Please help!!!

Thank you!

Wally T.

Wally-

I'm sure you have seen time trialing stages of bicycle races before.  The cyclists ride specially designed bicycles and wear specific kits all meant to accenuate their aerodynamics in hopes of making them as fast as possible!  I suggest you utilize the same technology.  However, I've been working on some modifications I think you should try.  Please find enclosed a diagram showing how I think the use of a time trial helmet will help you out.

The blue line represents how the helmet deflects the gaze of other cyclists as they look at you funny....their glances just flow right over your head.  And remember - keep your chin on that pizza box to lock it in place!

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Dear PooBah,

I know absolutely nothing about bicycles, nor really care, but I'm writing to you because you seem a little pervy - so I'm hoping you might help me out with this one.  I was helping to clean out my parents' attic the other day and stumbled upon a cardboard box full of girly magazines.  I cannot believe it, but I think my dad might have actually had a porn stash back in the day!  I'm not sure if I should confront him with this stuff to determine if he still wants it - or just throw it away.  Any advice?

Thanks in advance -

Michael K.

P.S. Hope I didn't offend you with the "pervy" comment....

Michael-

No offense taken.  I'm quite sure your Dad will not want these magazines anymore if they were crammed into a box in the attic.  I'm actually going to the recycling center soon - and if you want to send them to me, I will take care of them for you.  I promise.  I will recycle them immediately.  Just send them to me.  Please.

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Have a great weekend everyone! 

Unveiled! The lucrative art of blogging.

After last week's edition of Friday Mail, a comment was left anonymously which I wanted to make sure everyone had a chance to read:

Anonymous said:

It's amazing that you pay all of that money for the usage rights for photographs for professional bicyclists.  That must cost you hundreds of dollars per week.  You are one dedicated blogger, because we all know that you would never simply swipe them off the internet.

Oh Anonymous, really you are too kind.  The hundreds of dollars I spend every week on bringing my readers quality photographs of professional cyclists pales in comparison to the thousands I spend on photographs of scantily clad women on bicycles.  THOSE are the really expensive ones!  I kid, I kid.  Really - any money I spend is worth the sense of satisfaction I feel when I think that perhaps I've brought a smile to your face, or a tear to your eye with one of them.  It's the least I can do, especially when you consider just how lucrative this blog has become.  Why, my only sponsor has never even cut me a check - but I cannot bring myself to take down their link, because I really dig their product!  (It's really helping me fight a scorching case of pubic lice) Do I care?  Not at all - because I am paid in something more than just money, Anonymous.  I am paid in the good will of readers just like you.  So thank you.  My dedication is to you kind sir, or madam.....and to the power to "right click" and "save as".  That said - I do try to give credit to photographers when possible.  But alas, the InterWeb has become a vast and wild sea of imagery, and I am but a wayward  rubber ducky floating upon it who bumps into said photos and collects them.  Often - it's impossible to know their site of true origin, but I love and share them nonetheless.  And when I do know from whence they have come, will continue to give credit where credit is due.

And having said all that, here are some photos that damn near bankrupted me, so I hope you enjoy them!  Firstly, today is a huge day of unveiling!  You may think I'm referring to the revealing of the 2012 Tour de France route that occured today in Paris, but no - I'm speaking of Justin Bieber releasing his new Christmas single titled "Mistletoe" today!  Can you believe it?  Christmas is only 9 short weeks away?  How dare he make us wait so long.

I want to Belieb I didn't pay anything for this photo.

But what about all that Tour de France nonsense?  Yeah - that happened today as well.  The ASO busted out the red carpet and the cycling elite were all in attendance and absolutely riveted by the presentation.

Spaniards Sammy Sanchez and Bertie were busy fingerbanging themselves in the mouth while some other shleprock studied the insides of his eyelids (link). 

Meanwhile, no one in the second row could hear a god-damned thing because of some irritating nibbling sound that was echoing throughout the hall.

The entire front row finally got up and moved after Tommy Voekler spit his chewed off thumbnail on to the back of Thor Hushovd's neck.  Cavendouche tried to throw a rainbow-flavored stink-eye his way, but Voekler just thought he was practicing how to look more French in honor of the occasion and never noticed.  And some poor dude in the third row tickled his own frontal cortex with his index finger digging for a maillot nugget. (link).

Norwegian cyclist Edvald Boasson Hagen (aka Eddie Bo-Hog) couldn't attend the festivities in Paris as he was busy in Norway throwing axes, building Legos and "hitting the nail"?

I'm really not sure if "hitting the nail" is some kind of Norwegian euphemism, but thankfully the article spared us from any such visualization of Eddie playing Legos or "hitting his nail" and just showed him chucking a rather menacing axe.

Those Norwegians know how to kick up their heels.

And in case anyone is keeping track, the cost of using the photos to generate this post was $413.23 which is surprisingly less than what I budgeted for because Bieber's people actually paid me to show that photo.  Don't say I never did anything for you, Anonymous!

Friday Mail - All Bubba's Eve

First order of business today....I think someone just asked me out!  In an unexpected turn of events, when I logged on to Facebook this morning, I noticed I had message!  Apparently someone named Brent Hugh with the Missouri Bicycle Federation has invited me to do an organized ride with him this weekend!

It's called the Fall Harvest & Pumpkin Ride.

 Mr. Hugh, thank you so much for the invitation to join you. I haven't been asked out on a date in a long time - so honestly, I have to admit to being a little flattered.  However, I'm kind of seeing someone now, so could not possibly show up to this ride with you.  I hope you understand.  It really does sound like a lot of fun despite the fact that I don't harvest anything and wouldn't even know how to go about riding a pumpkin.  But still - I'm guessing many of my readers may be interested - and they should check it out!

Second order of business today.....The Bubba Cross Cyclocross series begins tomorrow night in Queeny Park, St. Louis.  If you are more Kansas-ly inclined, you can do the Joules Cross in Lawrence which also starts tomorrow.

Ok enough of all that - let's get to the mail!

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Dear PooBah-
What do you think the most prestigious single-day bicycle race is?  Paris-Roubaix?  Liege-Bastogne-Liege?  Milan-San Remo?
Thanks
Greg K
Lexington, KY
Greg-

Not even close.  It's got to be the Cobble Wobble race in Frome, England.

King of the Cobbles 2011 from Charge Bikes on Vimeo.

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Dear PooBah,

Remember the old "what's grosser than gross" jokes we used to tell each other on the playground back in the day?  Like trying to commit suicide by jumping out of a 12 story building only to catch your nostril on a rusty nail on the way down?  I love that stuff.  Anyway - I thought I would share with you a grosser than gross nose-related cycling photo taken at the Superprestige Ruddervoorde cross race.

Thanks!

Linda T.

Linda-

That's weak.  Try Laurens Ten Dam after his face-plant at the 2011 Tour de France.

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Dear PooBah,

On Wednesday, you were bitching about your size and using it as an excuse as to why you suck so bad in cyclocross.  Well just for clarification, professional cyclocross racer Ryan Trebon is not 6'1" like you reported....the dude is 6'8" as reported here.  There is no way you are taller than he is - so suck it up!

Alex C.

Alex-

Thanks for your kind words of support.  After learning how tall he is, I'm encouraged to give cross another go.....well that and the bike I bought through Craigslist from a dude in Ashland which should help my cornering ability significantly.

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Dear PooBah,

As Halloween is approaching rapidly, I anticipate the number of cyclists donning costumes for cyclocross races to increase exponentially.  The fans love this, but my concern lies with the ability of racers to get through the courses safely with occasionally cumbersome Halloween outfits.  My question is - have you ever seen a costume-related injury during a cross race, and how bad was it?

Thank you

Paul M.

Paul-

I sure have.  It happened at Spooky Cross last year.  A Masters 40+ Cat 4 cross-dresser took an 18" barrier to the face when he tripped on his own fishnets.  It took two Oompa-Loompas and a couple of Easter bunnies to help get the guy to the ambulance.

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Dear PooBah,

The video of the antelope attacking the cyclist that made worldwide headlines this week really freaked me out!  I too race in South Africa and see antelope frequently when I'm training in the bush.  Such interactions between these animals and cyclists are not as uncommon as one might think.  Is there anything I could wear that might help to scare them away?  I don't want to suffer the same fate as the MTB racer featured in the YouTube video this week.

Thanks

Roberta J.

Roberta-

You've got to make yourself look more like a natural predator to the antelope.  I'm putting one these outfits in the mail to you - wear it at all times!

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Dear PooBah,

I heard you like to rollerblade in the off season to cross train and even race now and then. I got a tip that you were in a race this past weekend as a matter of fact.  I managed to get a photograph of the sprint finish.  Will you give me a hint which one you are?

George P.

George-

Damn, I'm busted.  Well all I can say is that I've got a weakness green lycra.

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Dear PooBah-

I bought a unicycle several months ago but just cannot seem to learn to ride the damn thing.  The guy that sold it to me threw in free weekly riding lessons at his place, which I attend regularly.  He said that for whatever reason, wearing red makes it easier to ride - but for the life of me, I cannot figure out why this would be the case.  Is there any credence to this?

Thank you

Jenny T.

Jenny-

Yeah - I think he's on to something.  Persistence will pay off!  Keep at it and keep me posted...

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Have a great weekend everyone - thanks for the letters!

The physics of being Big Foot

Yesterday I was emailed no less than 10 times the story of the dude in South Africa who got creamed by the galloping antelope during a mountain bike race - and if you are one of the individuals who sent me the link, thank you.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go see it here.  Sorry - couldn't resist.  No seriously - you can see it here.  And quite literally - as I wrote the last sentence, I just got an email from my father that reads,

From: Dad PooBah
To: Baby PooBah
Cc: Mom PooBah
Subject:  When Animals Say "Get Offa My Grass!"

Son,
Careful where you do some of those Cyclocross race things....
Dad

To which I need to respond, "Thanks, Dad."  If only flying antelopes were my only concern during a cyclocross race, I might actually stand a chance of performing half-way decently.  No, the bane of my cyclocross existence comes in many other forms, but mostly inertia.  You see, I possess something called mass.  "Sure," you might say, "we all possess mass!"  And to this I would reply, "No - you dont get it.  I have a lot of it."  Dictionary.com defines mass as "a body of coherent matter, usually of indefinite shape and often of considerable size: example - a mass of dough."  An ill-defined, large mass of dough indeed.  And much like the aforementioned antelope, once I get my poorly defined, immense doughy mass up and moving in a specific direction, I seem to have great difficulty decelerating and altering its direction - especially when that direction is 180 degrees from whence the doughy mass originated.  This difficulty I'm experiencing is due to inertia which can be defined as "the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest." 

These terms can be understood better by this formula:

F = ma

In this equation, F = force, m = mass (in my case, dough-like and considerable) and a = acceleration.  By this formula, it is clear that the greater an object's mass, the less acceleration (or deceleration) is possible under a given force.  Let's look at this concept using a real-life example:  If you are, say, 5'4" and weigh 135 lbs and are racing cyclocross, for a given force, you will be able to decelerate more rapidly and make a 180 hairpin turn easier than if you are, say, Sasquatch.

By the way - this isn't any ordinary Sasquatch in the example - this is an old Sasquatch with achy knees.  (Incidentally - in case you'd like to purchase the official 'Sasquatch on bicycle t-shirt'.....go here.....they are all the rage.)

They even come in sizes up to 3XL....that's what I'm talking about.

Such mass also makes manuevers like this completely out of the question.

photo courtesy of 20#skull.

And don't give me that shit that Ryan Trebon is 6'1".  The SOB weighs like 170 pounds soaking wet.  He's a fart in a wind storm compared to me.

Here's a stone-cold dose of reality that hit me as hard as the sudden cold rain did while doing intervals on the KT trail Monday night in the pitch blackness because I didn't get home from work until 6:30 when the sun was sinking low and the clouds were building up.  As I cruised down the trail, rain smeared down my headlight casting weird shadows on the trail.  But up ahead, in the distance, I saw something dangling from one of the overhanging trees.  It's quarter-sized, lumpy shape became increasingly illuminated by my light as I approached and I realized it was a fat-ass spider dangling from a web, and I was approaching it a very rapid pace.  No worries, I thought, I will slide right under him.  The instant his plump hairy body smacked me in the cheek, it all became clear:  For years, I've watched and admired cyclists....their small-framed, lithe forms dancing on pedals and whipping tightly around corners fast as a lifeguard spins a whistle tied to a length of string wrapped around his finger.  And all this time, in my head, I've felt just like them.....quick and small......small enough to slide under that juicy spider....small enough to try to conserve energy hiding in a pack of cyclists....small enough to be fast.  Cyclocross has reminded me of just what a Sasquatch I really am.   And despite flat tires, and busting through barrier tape and inertial drag, God-dammit, I'm digging it.

Friday mail: Win yourself a kick in the ass!

Hey kids!  Happy flipping Friday!  Let me ask you something.  Have you ever walked up to somebody on the street and said, "Hey mister, would you mind kicking me right square in the ass?  I probably need it - and it sure would make you feel good!"  That's kind of how I felt when I read about the new offer from Rapha for some special-issue Team Rapha-FOCUS Cyclocross Oakley Jawbone sunglasses:

Here's the skinny:  And I quote from the website....

Oakley Auction

With the new cyclocross season well underway, Rapha and Oakley are offering you the chance to own an exclusive pair of Oakley Jawbone glasses. The custom-made Jawbones have frames painted in the candystripe livery of the Rapha-FOCUS team kit and the glasses come with three sets of interchangeable lenses. The Rapha logo is etched into the primary set and a unique carry-bag also features the team colours. For five days, beginning on Monday 10th October, Rapha will auctioning two pairs of Rapha-FOCUS Oakley Jawbones via a private email bid system. All of the money raised by the auction will go directly to support the Rapha-FOCUS professional cyclocross team.

Oh please, Rapha - can I compete with other people that have more money than common sense to fight for the chance to spend way too much on a piece of flipping plastic so that your professional cyclocross racers can afford extra foam on their capuccinos while they race this winter?  PLEASE?  It's not like Jeremy Powers ever wins or anything - so he could really use the extra money.  This is so much better than donating it to a non-for profit charitable organization or anything like that.  Suck-it, Rapha.

And on that note - let's hit the mailbag:

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Dear PooBah,
Did you see this story in VeloNews about the Master's Track Racer Roger Hernandez who was suspended for two years after having refused to undergo a mandatory drug test?

Here's his picture competing at a recent race...

(This is no shit, either.)

One commenters to the original article responded by saying, "A forty-five year old Masters cyclist doping is akin to someone taking growth hormones to become the world's tallest midget."  Would you agree?

Thanks!

Peter J.

Orlando, FL

Peter-

Well, that's a pretty insensitive comment, honestly.  I think they like to be referred to as "little people" these days - not "midgets."

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Dear PooBah,

Check out this photo of cyclist Carter Crowe of Ritte cycling winning a Cat 4/5 race and busting a Captain Morgan pose as he crosses the finish line!  Is this daring or douchey?  I can't decide...

Henry J.

San Diego, CA

Henry-

Hmmmmm tough one.  I'd like to say "daring" since it looks like he is at least 6'6" and is on some very wet pavement there.  But then you have to realize that he certainly had to practice this little move...probably a lot considering he is a Cat 4/5.  I call "douchey."

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Dear PooBah,

I've been very disturbed by the overtly sexual advertisements in Bicycling magazine lately.  I'm a mother of two and I don't need to be opening up my cycling periodicals to see things like this:

I wish things more like back in the old days were when we didn't have to worry about sexual innuendo in cycling advertising...

Yours

Willamena F.

Willamena-

Well it's good to hear your children were immaculately conceived.  The new Messiah will enjoy having a sibling, I'm sure.  And not so fast - check out this ad from 1973 for Raleigh Carlton bicycles...

"Sparkling foam arcs skyward as trim, thrusting bows slice through water...."

I'm not sure what is more inexplicable here - the text or the pairing of sky blue shoes and brown hip hugging bell-bottoms on the dude on the left.

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Dear PooBah,

I'm so happy cross season is here....I'm so fired up that I actually got a cross-related tattoo on my right calf.  It's a portrait of me portaging my bike.  What do you think?

Ivan K.

Ivan-

I appreciate your dedication but the perspective is all off! From how it's drawn it looks like you're trying to run your bike up your own ass.  If that's an actual depiction of how you do run-ups, just go slow and use lots of chamois cream before you race.

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Dear PooBah,

I just recently bought a trainer anticipating cold weather which is just around the corner.  I set my road bike up on it - but having never used a trainer before, was hoping you could take a peek and let me know if my form was OK?  Thanks a million!

Yours,

Lisle G.

Berlin

Lisle-

You know - I was about to suggest you lose the stilettos, but on second thought...leave them on - I think your form is spot on!

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Have a great weekend, everyone.  Thanks to those that sent in letters and suggestions - I appreciate it!

Cyclocross Pop Quiz

Ah, dear readers, the weather we are experiencing here in Mid-Missouri is nothing short of miraculous, n'est pas?  (That's French-speak for "can I get an Amen?")  An Indian summer to revel in to be sure.  And of course, this means lots of trail and gravel rides to continue to condition for cyclocross season.  For me, this training means learning how to suffer intensely for short periods of time and either involves doing intervals if I'm on the bike, or watching this if I'm sitting in my office.

I'm hoping he will come out with a 40 minute version of this.  Suffering through that would make the next cross race seem like a cruise through the park.

As a cyclocross newb - I have felt the necessity of doing some much-needed research on the topic of cyclocross history to elevate my overall appreciation of the sport.  Subsequently, I've wondered if some of you might not be interested in my findings.  Of course, many of you will already be familiar with this information, to which I say, ignore this post and focus your attention here instead if you are of the male persuasion and here if you are of the female persuasion.  (That is, if you are of the heterosexual variety of each persuasion.  If you are persuaded to do the opposite, follow your instincts accordingly.)  But instead of just blathering off a bunch of facts and dates, I thought I would present the information in pop-quiz format so that you might test your own working cyclocross knowledge.  Let's get it on:

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#1) This question has three parts:  Who is this?  How tall was he?  What is his significance in the world of cyclocross?

a) Pierre Floutard; 5'7", In 1957 he lost a testicle in a freak accident while remounting his steel Raleigh during the first Cyclocross World Championships.  It was found 3 days later but all attempts to surgically reattach it were unsuccessful.

b) Jean Robic; 5', Winner of the first UCI cyclocross championship in 1950

c) Rudy Project; 5'3", Founder of the famous cycling eyewear company and inventor of the male version of the cat-eye glasses popularized by women in the 50's

d) Dominic Gaston; 5'11", Infamous cross racer who suffered from nyctolopia, he died during Belgian's first night race when he crashed into a bratwurst vendor.

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#2) What is cyclist Danny De Bie credited for in cyclocross racing?

a) In 1988 during a race in Leipzig, instead of jumping over an 18" barrier, he decided to tunnel under it.  Even though he lost the race, he was awarded the course-gardener's shovel for ingenuity. 

b) To date, he is the only racer to have ever gotten lost during a race.  During his 1987 bid for World Champion in Lucerne, he never completed a single lap during the 60 minute race and had to be escorted from a muddy ditch by course marshals.

c) He is credited for popularizing the "bunnyhop" maneuver to go over barriers which he used while winning the 1989 World Championship.

d) Nicknamed "Bye-Bye De Bie", Danny famously quit the Dutch National Championship race in 1988 after only 5 minutes of racing when he threw his bicycle off the course and exclaimed, "Niet meer fucking koebels!"  (translastion: "No more fucking cowbells!")

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#3) Identify this individual:

a) Hanka Kupfernagel; The woman with the most medals in cyclocross ever with a total of 10, 4 of which have been World Championships.

b) Greta Klink; Designer of the first knee-high stiletto cycling boot which was later disallowed by the UCI when racer Heidi Potente perforated a component's spleen when she stepped on the fallen cyclist while hurdling a barrier.

c) Hans Guber; After his sex change in 2003, he/she became the first racer to win a national championship in both the male and female fields.

d) Elsie Schmittsohn; Watched a cyclocross race once on TV in 2008.

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#4) Who is this and what important achievement is he credited with?

a) Federico Capitano; Italian cyclocross racer who attempted to file a patent for a style of moustache which he called, "Il manubrio".  He was unsuccessful in this bid as it had been patented the previous year by one Otto Schlitz of Hamburg.  However, he later designed and patented the moustache "comb-over", for those who can only successfully grow hair on one side of their lip, giving tens of thousands of men with semi-bald lips greater senses of confidence.

b) Gustav Mendlebaum; designer of the cycling cable-knit turtle neck sweater and later co-founder of J. Crew.

c) Peter Mathews; the only British cyclist to have had his dentition considered to be "not horrendous" by a panel of orthodontists.

d) Octave Lapize; winner of the 2010 Tour de France who credited his victory to off-season riding through fields, believed by many to be the inspiration for present day cyclocross.

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#5) What other profession is cyclocross racer Katerina Nash known for?

a) Editor in chief of "Modest Cycling Magazine"

b) Olympic cross country skier

c) Taste-tester for Luna Bars

d) Owner of 3 Hooter's restaurants outside of Salt Lake City, Utah

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#6) Bonus question:  What was professional cross racer Zdenek Stybar's claim to fame in 2006 at the Netherland National Cyclocross Championships in Zeddam?

a) He had an allergic reaction to some oysters he ate the night before the race in his hotel causing his face to break out in a flurry of pustules...

b) After one week of solid rain preceeding the race, the entire course turned to mud, which prompted him to become the only cyclist in the history of the sport to attempt portaging his bicycle and running for the entire race.  He lost his shoe on lap 3, however and had to abandon.

c) After heavy fog had been predicted for race day, he feared the same fate as Danny De Bie in getting lost out on the course and shaved the race map into the side of his head the night before for quick reference, only later realizing he would not actually be able to see the map without the help of a mirror.

d) He won the cyclocross U23 National Championships in 2006.

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You may submit your answers to me and I will grade them. 

Protests: Incomprehensible and Ironic

Last evening, the COMO CYCO GEEC and I went out to dinner - a rare occurence for us.   However, I just got back into town after a long business trip and was feeling rather amorous, so wanted to woo me lady a bit.  As she slid into the passenger seat of my car for our evening out, she discovered a browned apple core, a greasy towel and a pair of Candy Crank pedals in the footwell.  For those 'non-playas' out there, these are the kinds of things you can leave conveniently setting around as little attractive windows into your persona.  For example, by these objects, she could deduce that I
eat healthily, am capable of working on my bike and am concerned about mud-clearance, thus enticing her with my commitments to a good diet, resourcefulness and quick entry (into my pedals).  Pure pheromonal man-musk. 

Anyway - I really wanted to treat her to a special meal so told her to pick whatever restaurant she wanted.  She suggested the Cherry Street Wine Cellar, Bleu (pronounced "Bluhhhhh") or Sycamore's.  I suggested something with a bit more rustic ambience and we settled on Pickleman's.  I know how to treat my lady right.  On the way to dinner, our peaceful drive downtown was suddenly interrupted, however, by a tremendous uproar (by which I mean a few people speaking loudly) on the corner of 8th and Broadway.  We looked over to see some kind of a protest going on.  I know it was a protest because there were people sitting on the sidewalk holding signs made of cardboard.   But upon our initial drive by, I simply could not tell what was being protested and was confused by the presence of a hipster kid in skinny jeans with externally flaunted house keys dangling from a carabiner photographing a poster with the picture of a cat on it under a sign that read "Students Say NO."

Posting a picture I took while driving a car by a hipster taking a picture of a cat poster: I've achieved the surreal.

"Good lord," I said to the GEEC, "I think the college kids are protesting cats."  Now, I'm definitely much more of a dog person, but still - what have cats done that is worth protesting?  Unless they are in revolt of litter boxes and are shitting willy-nilly around COMO which would explain the worsening stench along the westward stretch of the MKT.  (I still contend there is nothing as stinky on this planet as a cat turd).  Anyway - we decided to do another drive-by to examine the group more closely...but only after we had our Pickleman's chicken and bacon pizza.  We have our priorities in line, after all.  So upon further inspection, with fuller bellies, we learned that we still had absolutely no idea what was being protested.

I could make out "People Before Profit", "This is your Country Too" and "The Best Congress Money Can Buy!"  Honestly, I'm baffled.

Listen, I didn't major in advertising or marketing, but can I just  give some advice to protesters?  You have to make your message clear.  Use short phrases and print the text much, much larger on non-day-glo posterboard.  It's all about contrasting colors - OK?  Use the "KISS" principle and "Keep It Simple, Stupid!"  Black lettering on white cardboard using as few words as possible, written largely is the key.  It was just as I was thinking this that we saw the sign of one protester who clearly had some experience and was doing it correctly.

Readable sign?  Check.  Clear intent to the message?  Check!  As nonsensical as the rest of the protest?  HUGE check!  Now this was something I could both understand and even relate with because I like turtles too!  It's amazing how affectionate they can be.

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And speaking of protestable things - a reader has sent me a link to a trailer for a cycling-related movie that is about to come out and I thought I should share it with you.  It's called Premium Rush and stars that kid that used to push Pop Tarts in the 90's.

Here's the description that accompanies the official trailer:

Dodging speeding cars, crazed cabbies, open doors, and eight million cranky pedestrians is all in a day's work for Wilee (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), the best of New York's agile and aggressive bicycle messengers. It takes a special breed to ride the fixie -- super lightweight, single-gear bikes with no brakes and riders who are equal part skilled cyclists and suicidal nutcases who risk becoming a smear on the pavement every time they head into traffic.

But a guy who's used to putting his life on the line is about to get more than even he is used to when a routine delivery turns into a life or death chase through the streets of Manhattan. When Wilee picks up his last envelope of the day on a premium rush run, he discovers this package is different. This time, someone is actually trying to kill him.

Having watched the trailer and read the description of the movie, it's the last line that puzzles me.  "This time, someone is actually trying to kill him."  I obviously haven't seen the movie, but would contend that viritually everyone in Manhattan (at least everyone driving a cab or trying to walk to work) is trying to kill Wilee for riding like a complete jackass.  Hell - I'd like to take a crack at him myself. Furthermore, I would submit that one of the reasons the cabbies are so crazed and pedestrians so cranky is because douchebags like PopTart boy are racing around, blowing through stoplights and mowing people down on their brakeless fixies ("Fixed gear......no brakes....can't stop....don't want to, either.")  And because I haven't seen the movie, I also have no way of knowing that 1) Wilee will not, in fact, be killed, 2) Wilee will get laid by that cute female messenger who takes off the side view mirror of a cab with a chain because she too rides like a jackass 3) a non-main-character-bike-messenger-dude will take the big dirt nap to reinforce the gravitas of the bike messenger profession, but whose death will give Wilee greater resolve, and finally that 4) Wilee will incur bodily injury and break a bone - but not in his pretty face.

But this begs the question of whom the target audience for this movie is, exactly?  According to this article published last week in the NY Times, the number of bike messengers in New York is down from several thousand 10 years ago to only 700 today.

As one could have predicted about the time the movie Quicksilver was released, the way of the bike messenger was doomed with the advent of email and something called the PDF document.  A bike messenger consultant for the movie Premium Rush (someone named "Mr. Horse") raced a Mercedes across NY City recently and won, but I'd like to see him race the Interwebs for a change.

That said, the harshest critics of the movie will likely be real messengers anyway - so that just leaves fixie-riding hipsters as potential fanboys (and girls) of the movie - individuals emulating what they believe the image of the messenger to be - whatever that is.  And judging by the number I've seen on this campus this fall, blowing through intersections and pissing off both motorists and me as I stupidly sit and wait my turn at the stopsign on my commuter, I'd say their numbers are blossoming.  This too is confirmed by the aforementioned article which suggests that...

...there is a paradox at work here: just as corporate brands and Hollywood try to harness the increasing visibility of urban cycling through its most recognizable character, the grease-grizzled New York City messenger, that subculture is dwindling in the face of higher-tech competition.       

So if email is killing the bike-messenger, then what we need is some sort of competing movement to capture the attention of some of the future messenger-wannabe hipster fixie riders....or maybe even hold an organized anti-hipster protest.....I believe they are called Cyclocross races.  I plan on going to the next one clean shaven and wearing bell-bottom jeans carrying a day-glo poster board with tiny letters written on it in ball-point pen saying: "I like zombies-kids."  Absolutely no one will get it will be so ironical.  Wait a minute.....shit, that won't work either!