Dear PooBah: Friday Mail....special Gargoyle edition.

I am haunted by gargoyles. 

Gargoyles that have mystical powers of thwarting my best laid plans.  There is no other explanation.  Case in point.  Last weekend was a three-day weekend if your place of employment honors MLK day like mine did.  The weather, as you know, was freezing fog. The riding; slightly more enjoyable than having my scrotum plucked.  Tuesday, I was back at work with precious little time to ride, and what happened?  The weather broke.  Patches of sun, with warmer temperatures.  By Wednesday, we were in the midst of a tropical heat wave, with sun, blue skies, balmy temperatures and dry pavement.  I sat and observed it from inside the asylum I refer to as my job.  And the gargoyles in the heavens, who parted the clouds, giggled.  As we approach the weekend, my weather obsession once again, begins to ramp up, and as I look into that magic 8-ball that weather.com has become to me, I see this.

I can practically feel the warmth of their rotten gargoyle breath on the back of my neck from the peels of their laughter as they look over my shoulder at the forecast on my screen. My gargoyles live with me year-round but are especially excitable during periods of cabin fever.....And they are invisible to all but me.  I have discussed them at length with the GEEC, but she thinks I'm crazy....."There are no cosmic forces at work against you," she says as I spill a venti cinnamon dolce latte in my crotch.  The heat of it initially feels good, until the scalding, burning sensation takes over.  I feel like Mr. Robert Wilson as he tries to fly home from a sanitarium where he just spent the previous 6 months recovering from a nervous breakdown in the Twighlight Zone episode called Nightmare at 20,000 Feet.

Not seen it?  Nevermind......I'm not surprised.  My gargoyles are my own - no one else can see them.  I alone bear witness to their scheming.  No one was there to see me try to drink from my frozen bottle while riding last weekend, only to have the plastic literally split in half within my squeezing hand, thus showering my face and chest with ice cold water.  I looked over my shoulder to see if they were on their bikes behind me, smiling with the smug satisfaction of possums sniffing shit.

And with that dear readers, I bring you another installment of Friday Mail.  Have a good weekend, and should you hear the flutter of wings, and the gnashing of talons behind you, do not fear.  They are not hunting you.....I am forever their prey.  Rest assured, they will find me with a pinch flat in the midst of a downpour on Saturday and will ensure that the GU gel I'm about to ingest is rancid and will give me the galloping trots for the remainder of the weekend.

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Dear PooBah:

I am loving the Tour Down Under!  Did you see this photo of Allan Davis playing with a baby wallby and kangaroo?

Mike R.

Mike-

Yup, I sure did.  There is a saying that goes "A fed animal is a dead animal."  This just refers to the fact that if you feed wild animals, then they may lose the drive to fend for themselves, and thus have a poor quality of life.  Therefore, by feeding kangaroos, you are actually not allowing them to pursue the call of nature.....But then again, kangaroos might be different....

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Dear PooBah,

I used to be a junkie and my life was a waste.  But then I bought a bike, which allowed me to start riding to my religious services regularly and I've completely turned my life around....I just want all of your readers to know that cycling and the good word can work miracles!

Thanks!

Damien M.

Damien -

Fantastic news.....As a fixie rider, I bet you can bust some sweet tricks.  And I also see that you've got quite the spoke card collection.  I've got an idea.  I'm going to send you this new spoke card....put this in your wheel the next time you are hanging with your boyz and when it bursts into flames, pop a mad wheelie....it will be epic.

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Dear PooBah-

Can you settle a bet for me?  Which cyclist has the best mane of all time?  Cipo?

Thanks!

Cyndi P.

Cyndi -

Not even close.....I'm calling a tie between Roberto Gaggioli and Laurent Brochard.

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Dear PooBah:

I'm entering my first road race this spring and because I don't belong to a team, I don't know what to wear.  If I wear my replica Team Discovery pro kit, I'm going to be accused of being a poseur.  If I wear my Pink Floyd jersey, I'm going to be accused of being a Fred.  If I just wear a plain jersey, I'm going to look like a complete amateur.  Do you have any advice?

Yours -

Sheldon H.

Shel-

Several things to realize.  You are in a no-win situation.  No matter what you show up in, you will be laughed at, either blatantly or privately, but more likely, both.  Welcome to the wonderful world of cycling.  Secondly, it's best to realize now that you are all three of those things....a poseur, a Fred, and an amateur.  So am I.  This is our lot in life.  Tough titty.  So, my best advice for being in a situation in which any decision is bad, is to go in deeper....all the way.  Don't be afraid of the Fred.  Embrace the Fred.  Be the Fred, Sheldon.  And remember this....."Do or do not.....there is no try".

Pedal on!

Dear PooBah, (Reader Mail)

Before we get to the mail, I just want to take a moment to thank all those who choose to look over these pages from time to time and share my often meandering and meaningless observations.  I would like to tell you that you are what makes this website great, but come on, let's be realistic....it's all the crap-tastic articles and photos of cycling absurdity that exist on the internet which I'm obsessed with finding that make it equally as crap-tastic.  That and the diverse and ever-growing cycling scene of COMO which you are responsible for.  And for which I'm ever grateful.

Ok - enough of the touchy-feely stuff.  It's time to get caught up on some more reader mail.  It's been coming in fast and furious since our last installement - so I figured it was time to empty out the old in-box folder.  Let's get it on!

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Dear PooBah:
I just recently got a tattoo of my girlfriend and her bike to show her how much i love her.  To be specific, the tattoo depicts this one time when she ran into a curb and flipped over the handlebars and scraped up her thigh. When I showed her the tattoo, she slapped me and now won't answer my calls.  I've attached a photo for your reference.  I know you dig cycling-related tattoos, so figured you could give me an honest opinion and tell me what to do.  Thanks!

Tat-man.

Tat-man:

Wow.  I can't imagine what Daisey-Mae wouldn't like about this!  But first of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that she was born with club feet.  This must be a tough adversity for her to deal with.  Clearly she wants to show that she is handi-capable instead of handicapped by riding without shoes, but have you considered that is why she ran into the curb?  Or was it because she was all hopped up on goofballs?  Regardless, it's equally as impressive that she is able to ride in her daisy-dukes.  Make sure she uses plenty of chamois creme applied directly to her saddle to avoid chafing.  I wonder, perhaps, if the reason she didn't like the tattoo is not the artwork itself, but rather the location that you chose to have it inked on your body.  You seem to be a fairly stout fellow, but I cannot tell if what I'm looking at is a thigh or an arm?  Either way, it's a wee bit pasty and ill-defined.  I'd try spending some more time on the bike and giving this tat's backdrop a little toning up.  By the way - her seat's too low.

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Dear PooBah:

My buddy and I just went to a Star Wars convention dressed as Storm Troopers.  We took our foldable bikes so that we could travel between the different booths at the expo center faster so as not to miss anything.  But while we were there, we hooked up with these two AMAZING ladies seen below.  I cannot believe how much they liked us!  It was the perfect trip, aside from us both losing our wallets the last day.  Anyway - our question: Do you believe in love at first sight? Thanks and MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

Sincerely,

Trooper #1138 and #1139

Dear Troopers:

Do you remember that scene in The Empire Strikes Back when Luke kissed Leia...and then later, when it was revealed that Darth Vader was their father and you suddenly realized that Luke was kissing on his sister?  Do you remember?  Ok - now picture you are Luke - only instead of Leia being your sister, she is actually a dirty hooker.  If I were you, I would unfold my speeder bikes and haul my Imperial asses down to the local health clinic and get a couple shots of penicilin and then spray your crotches down with Black Flag.  You never know what kind of Rebel Scum is lurking about the Outer Rim these days.

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Dear PooBah:

I'm a young, female, professional who is on the bike 9 to 5 for my job - so I absolutely HAVE to be comfortable.  Currently, though, my shoes are killing me!  I've developed hot spots under the balls of my feet and my arches are constantly being stressed.  I just don't feel like I have as much power transfer as what I need when I'm climbing.  Can you critique my current footwear and give me some recommendations?

Yours -

Polly

Dear Polly,

You have GOT to switch over to something with some carbon soles that are light, but simultaneously stiff.  I've attached a photo below of some new Sidi Genuis 6.6s in their Stripper-line.  They have a patented Heel Security system and an an instep-buckle that lets you tweak the fit on the fly....literally.  They also come with an adjustable satin band which will lock your heels down no matter how high up in the air they are.

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Dear PooBah-

My husband is a cycling enthusiast, a tinkerer and a cheapskate - not necessarily in that order.  He's been lusting over a dutch BikeFiets cargo bike for some time now but is just too cheap to buy one.  He took last week off of work and locked himself in the garage.  When he finally came out - this is what he was riding.  Is this thing safe?

Sincerely,

'Concerned My Husband is a Moron'

Concerned:

Easy does it now, let's not be too harsh on the guy.  He's showing his industriousness - that can't be a bad thing - right?  That said, there are a number of things concerning me in this photo that need to be addressed before we talk about the cartbike..  1)  He appears to be dangerously close to 'squirreling' (which we previously defined as riding perpendicularly across the road). 2) He is wearing flip-flops which are unhygienic and can lead to 'foot sag'.  3)I'm also not really crazy about the cargo shorts and windbreaker look he's got going on as if he's about to go sit on the back deck and sip a vodka gimlet and read his new copy of Golf Digest.  This machine he's built is dipping into the realm of alternative-cycle-construction, and as such, demands a certain dress code and lifestyle adaptation.  To further determine if he and his cartbike are up to specs in this department, I've sent your letter and photo over to my friend Chitty seen here.  Chitty is not currently employed but is hell on wheels with an acetylene torch and holds the east-Portland landspeed record for shotgunning a beer.

Ms. Concerned ~

Chitty here.  I'm really worried about your man's ride.  He made a decent crack at it - but I prefer sidemounting two forks and using full-sized wheels instead of using the cart's original little midget wheels.  He will never be able to generate any real speed on that thing and it will be bumpy as hell for you when you crawl into the basket.  But with a little modification - he's there.  Let me tell you guys - cartbikes make excellent rides to drag your drunk asses home from the bar.  Cheers!

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Dear PooBah,

I just wanted to write and thank you for the informative article entitled "What men want" regarding male genital security.  In celebration of one of the images you used in your post and my BF's junk - I bought myself a new pair of cycling shorts that I wanted to share with you and your readers.  Pedal On!

Yours -

Davida

Pedal on indeed!