Dear PooBah: Halloween Special!

Well, I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone that tomorrow is the big day - the Halloween MidMO Bike Ride to Rocheport and Monster Bash!  All the cool kids are going to be there with their bikes, so don't be left behind.  The festivities start at 9:00 AM at FlatBranch park and continue directly onto the MKT from there.  Come on out and get your freak on.

And, because it's Friday - it's time for another installment of Reader Mail.  So let's jump in:

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Dear PooBah- 
I have been a long time reader, and admit to being occasionally 'put off' by some of your crude jokes.  Up until last week, I just chalked it up to juvenile shenanigans.  But the photo in your most recent post of the woman wearing a bra made out of bacon was just too much. And now I'm left wondering if you're trying to "jump the shark" because no one is reading.  Well, I for one disapprove. There is nothing amusing about a woman wrapping her bosoms in such an unhealthy food.

Sincerely,
Ms. Hillshire


Dear Ms. Hillshire:
I'm very sorry if I offended you.  First of all, I should clarify that the picture wasn't of a bacon bra - but rather a bacon-kini.  As you well know, women's swimwear has become more revealing over the years, which is really out of my control.  But what you may not know is that women have been using bacon to swim in for years.  In fact, I found this picture of my Aunt Polly taken in 1976 in a bacon bathing suit...and as you can see, the suits back then were just a lot more conservative:

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Dear PooBah,
I read one of your recent posts which quoted a guy on CraigsList complaining that all the women out there are into guys who ride fixies these days.  So I went out and bought myself one, and posed on it in my living room for my new MySpace profile photo.  Can you tell me if you think this will help me get a date?  Thanks!

Mr. Pink

Pink:

Wow - well done.  I cannot tell what I'm more fond of - the tattoo of a pistol on your hip, your ability to trackstand in your bare feet or the way you photoshopped bags of your favorite junk food dancing around you.  I tell you, if trackstanding in you pink tighty-whities with a bag of Funyuns doesn't bring the chicks, I'm not sure what else could.  Good luck!

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Dear PooBah,

I've heard that spoke cards are the hippest way to personalize your fixie, but have noticed that all the cards are these tiny, boring squares of cardboard with designs that aren't legible from more than 3 feet away.  I thought I would go for a bigger card that would really let people know who I am!  Do you think  I went too far?

Sincerely,

Herp

Dear Herp:

I think I can safely say that you have taken the entire spoke card art genre to a new level.  Not only does this card tell everyone that you have a fascination with large, naked mulleted men that enjoy snake wrestling, but you've also merged the conventional spoke card with the classic time trial disk-wheel.  Just remember - with a spoke card like this - you need to be careful in windy conditions and around male-strip clubs.  Either may make your bike really hard to handle.

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Dear PooBah,

I'm troubled by your liberal use of the term "douche" and its derivatives ("douchebag, doucheriffic").  Not only is it demeaning to what is a necessary feminine hygiene product, but it is a unitless measurement. In other words, how would something mildly douchey be distinguished from something truly douche-tastic?

Yours,

M.  Assengill

Dear M,

You are quite right - I should have expounded on the entire use of the term "douche" long ago.  You may be surprised to know that the 'douche-level' of something actually can be measured in units called 'LCUs' which stands for 'Lance Celebrity Units' and is represented by those celebrities LA befriends.  I hope this visual scale will be of some help:

Mildly Douchey = 1 LCU

Doucherrific = 2 LCUs

Completely Douchetastic = 3 LCUs

Hors Categorie

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Dear PooBah:

Long-time reader, first-time writing to you.  I'm thinking of leaving my boyfriend...he's a professional cyclist but doesn't float my boat anymore.  How serious are you and this COMO CYCO GEEC you speak of?  Maybe you could give me a ride sometime?  

Yours truly,

Ginger

P.S. I love bacon!

Ginger,

I'm flattered, really,  But it looks like you've got a great guy there.  I mean - he's got the perfect bike to get you around...and you clearly are beneficial for his training.  He may not float your boat - but he's willing to spin your crank...and he's obviously not taking it lightly.

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Dear PooBah

I'm totally stoked about the MidMo BRR!  What do you think of my costume?  Can you tell who I'm supposed to be?

Miss chain-RING.

Chain-RING

Great costume!  You absolutely look like you should be living at the bottom of a well.  Just one thing - seat's too low.

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Hey PooBah:

Just thought I'd give your readers a tip.  All this "cargo-bike" stuff is nonesense.  I haul sheets of plywood from Home Depot all the time on a regular old bike - I just get my kid to help me.  Check it out!

Thanks!

#1 Dad

Daddio:

Yup - I think you're definitely on to something there.  And I'm particularly happy to see that you have your child in both a safety bike seat and a helmet.  You are, indeed, a #1 Dad.

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Happy Friday and Happy Halloween everyone!  See you all on the trail tomorrow!

Pedal On!

Dear PooBah, (Reader Mail)

Before we get to the mail, I just want to take a moment to thank all those who choose to look over these pages from time to time and share my often meandering and meaningless observations.  I would like to tell you that you are what makes this website great, but come on, let's be realistic....it's all the crap-tastic articles and photos of cycling absurdity that exist on the internet which I'm obsessed with finding that make it equally as crap-tastic.  That and the diverse and ever-growing cycling scene of COMO which you are responsible for.  And for which I'm ever grateful.

Ok - enough of the touchy-feely stuff.  It's time to get caught up on some more reader mail.  It's been coming in fast and furious since our last installement - so I figured it was time to empty out the old in-box folder.  Let's get it on!

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Dear PooBah:
I just recently got a tattoo of my girlfriend and her bike to show her how much i love her.  To be specific, the tattoo depicts this one time when she ran into a curb and flipped over the handlebars and scraped up her thigh. When I showed her the tattoo, she slapped me and now won't answer my calls.  I've attached a photo for your reference.  I know you dig cycling-related tattoos, so figured you could give me an honest opinion and tell me what to do.  Thanks!

Tat-man.

Tat-man:

Wow.  I can't imagine what Daisey-Mae wouldn't like about this!  But first of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that she was born with club feet.  This must be a tough adversity for her to deal with.  Clearly she wants to show that she is handi-capable instead of handicapped by riding without shoes, but have you considered that is why she ran into the curb?  Or was it because she was all hopped up on goofballs?  Regardless, it's equally as impressive that she is able to ride in her daisy-dukes.  Make sure she uses plenty of chamois creme applied directly to her saddle to avoid chafing.  I wonder, perhaps, if the reason she didn't like the tattoo is not the artwork itself, but rather the location that you chose to have it inked on your body.  You seem to be a fairly stout fellow, but I cannot tell if what I'm looking at is a thigh or an arm?  Either way, it's a wee bit pasty and ill-defined.  I'd try spending some more time on the bike and giving this tat's backdrop a little toning up.  By the way - her seat's too low.

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Dear PooBah:

My buddy and I just went to a Star Wars convention dressed as Storm Troopers.  We took our foldable bikes so that we could travel between the different booths at the expo center faster so as not to miss anything.  But while we were there, we hooked up with these two AMAZING ladies seen below.  I cannot believe how much they liked us!  It was the perfect trip, aside from us both losing our wallets the last day.  Anyway - our question: Do you believe in love at first sight? Thanks and MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

Sincerely,

Trooper #1138 and #1139

Dear Troopers:

Do you remember that scene in The Empire Strikes Back when Luke kissed Leia...and then later, when it was revealed that Darth Vader was their father and you suddenly realized that Luke was kissing on his sister?  Do you remember?  Ok - now picture you are Luke - only instead of Leia being your sister, she is actually a dirty hooker.  If I were you, I would unfold my speeder bikes and haul my Imperial asses down to the local health clinic and get a couple shots of penicilin and then spray your crotches down with Black Flag.  You never know what kind of Rebel Scum is lurking about the Outer Rim these days.

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Dear PooBah:

I'm a young, female, professional who is on the bike 9 to 5 for my job - so I absolutely HAVE to be comfortable.  Currently, though, my shoes are killing me!  I've developed hot spots under the balls of my feet and my arches are constantly being stressed.  I just don't feel like I have as much power transfer as what I need when I'm climbing.  Can you critique my current footwear and give me some recommendations?

Yours -

Polly

Dear Polly,

You have GOT to switch over to something with some carbon soles that are light, but simultaneously stiff.  I've attached a photo below of some new Sidi Genuis 6.6s in their Stripper-line.  They have a patented Heel Security system and an an instep-buckle that lets you tweak the fit on the fly....literally.  They also come with an adjustable satin band which will lock your heels down no matter how high up in the air they are.

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Dear PooBah-

My husband is a cycling enthusiast, a tinkerer and a cheapskate - not necessarily in that order.  He's been lusting over a dutch BikeFiets cargo bike for some time now but is just too cheap to buy one.  He took last week off of work and locked himself in the garage.  When he finally came out - this is what he was riding.  Is this thing safe?

Sincerely,

'Concerned My Husband is a Moron'

Concerned:

Easy does it now, let's not be too harsh on the guy.  He's showing his industriousness - that can't be a bad thing - right?  That said, there are a number of things concerning me in this photo that need to be addressed before we talk about the cartbike..  1)  He appears to be dangerously close to 'squirreling' (which we previously defined as riding perpendicularly across the road). 2) He is wearing flip-flops which are unhygienic and can lead to 'foot sag'.  3)I'm also not really crazy about the cargo shorts and windbreaker look he's got going on as if he's about to go sit on the back deck and sip a vodka gimlet and read his new copy of Golf Digest.  This machine he's built is dipping into the realm of alternative-cycle-construction, and as such, demands a certain dress code and lifestyle adaptation.  To further determine if he and his cartbike are up to specs in this department, I've sent your letter and photo over to my friend Chitty seen here.  Chitty is not currently employed but is hell on wheels with an acetylene torch and holds the east-Portland landspeed record for shotgunning a beer.

Ms. Concerned ~

Chitty here.  I'm really worried about your man's ride.  He made a decent crack at it - but I prefer sidemounting two forks and using full-sized wheels instead of using the cart's original little midget wheels.  He will never be able to generate any real speed on that thing and it will be bumpy as hell for you when you crawl into the basket.  But with a little modification - he's there.  Let me tell you guys - cartbikes make excellent rides to drag your drunk asses home from the bar.  Cheers!

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Dear PooBah,

I just wanted to write and thank you for the informative article entitled "What men want" regarding male genital security.  In celebration of one of the images you used in your post and my BF's junk - I bought myself a new pair of cycling shorts that I wanted to share with you and your readers.  Pedal On!

Yours -

Davida

Pedal on indeed!