Dear PooBah: Halloween Special!

Well, I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone that tomorrow is the big day - the Halloween MidMO Bike Ride to Rocheport and Monster Bash!  All the cool kids are going to be there with their bikes, so don't be left behind.  The festivities start at 9:00 AM at FlatBranch park and continue directly onto the MKT from there.  Come on out and get your freak on.

And, because it's Friday - it's time for another installment of Reader Mail.  So let's jump in:

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Dear PooBah- 
I have been a long time reader, and admit to being occasionally 'put off' by some of your crude jokes.  Up until last week, I just chalked it up to juvenile shenanigans.  But the photo in your most recent post of the woman wearing a bra made out of bacon was just too much. And now I'm left wondering if you're trying to "jump the shark" because no one is reading.  Well, I for one disapprove. There is nothing amusing about a woman wrapping her bosoms in such an unhealthy food.

Sincerely,
Ms. Hillshire


Dear Ms. Hillshire:
I'm very sorry if I offended you.  First of all, I should clarify that the picture wasn't of a bacon bra - but rather a bacon-kini.  As you well know, women's swimwear has become more revealing over the years, which is really out of my control.  But what you may not know is that women have been using bacon to swim in for years.  In fact, I found this picture of my Aunt Polly taken in 1976 in a bacon bathing suit...and as you can see, the suits back then were just a lot more conservative:

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Dear PooBah,
I read one of your recent posts which quoted a guy on CraigsList complaining that all the women out there are into guys who ride fixies these days.  So I went out and bought myself one, and posed on it in my living room for my new MySpace profile photo.  Can you tell me if you think this will help me get a date?  Thanks!

Mr. Pink

Pink:

Wow - well done.  I cannot tell what I'm more fond of - the tattoo of a pistol on your hip, your ability to trackstand in your bare feet or the way you photoshopped bags of your favorite junk food dancing around you.  I tell you, if trackstanding in you pink tighty-whities with a bag of Funyuns doesn't bring the chicks, I'm not sure what else could.  Good luck!

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Dear PooBah,

I've heard that spoke cards are the hippest way to personalize your fixie, but have noticed that all the cards are these tiny, boring squares of cardboard with designs that aren't legible from more than 3 feet away.  I thought I would go for a bigger card that would really let people know who I am!  Do you think  I went too far?

Sincerely,

Herp

Dear Herp:

I think I can safely say that you have taken the entire spoke card art genre to a new level.  Not only does this card tell everyone that you have a fascination with large, naked mulleted men that enjoy snake wrestling, but you've also merged the conventional spoke card with the classic time trial disk-wheel.  Just remember - with a spoke card like this - you need to be careful in windy conditions and around male-strip clubs.  Either may make your bike really hard to handle.

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Dear PooBah,

I'm troubled by your liberal use of the term "douche" and its derivatives ("douchebag, doucheriffic").  Not only is it demeaning to what is a necessary feminine hygiene product, but it is a unitless measurement. In other words, how would something mildly douchey be distinguished from something truly douche-tastic?

Yours,

M.  Assengill

Dear M,

You are quite right - I should have expounded on the entire use of the term "douche" long ago.  You may be surprised to know that the 'douche-level' of something actually can be measured in units called 'LCUs' which stands for 'Lance Celebrity Units' and is represented by those celebrities LA befriends.  I hope this visual scale will be of some help:

Mildly Douchey = 1 LCU

Doucherrific = 2 LCUs

Completely Douchetastic = 3 LCUs

Hors Categorie

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Dear PooBah:

Long-time reader, first-time writing to you.  I'm thinking of leaving my boyfriend...he's a professional cyclist but doesn't float my boat anymore.  How serious are you and this COMO CYCO GEEC you speak of?  Maybe you could give me a ride sometime?  

Yours truly,

Ginger

P.S. I love bacon!

Ginger,

I'm flattered, really,  But it looks like you've got a great guy there.  I mean - he's got the perfect bike to get you around...and you clearly are beneficial for his training.  He may not float your boat - but he's willing to spin your crank...and he's obviously not taking it lightly.

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Dear PooBah

I'm totally stoked about the MidMo BRR!  What do you think of my costume?  Can you tell who I'm supposed to be?

Miss chain-RING.

Chain-RING

Great costume!  You absolutely look like you should be living at the bottom of a well.  Just one thing - seat's too low.

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Hey PooBah:

Just thought I'd give your readers a tip.  All this "cargo-bike" stuff is nonesense.  I haul sheets of plywood from Home Depot all the time on a regular old bike - I just get my kid to help me.  Check it out!

Thanks!

#1 Dad

Daddio:

Yup - I think you're definitely on to something there.  And I'm particularly happy to see that you have your child in both a safety bike seat and a helmet.  You are, indeed, a #1 Dad.

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Happy Friday and Happy Halloween everyone!  See you all on the trail tomorrow!

Pedal On!

A Complete Guide for the Halloween Cyclist

Halloween is just around the corner, and as cyclists, I am of the opinion that we are in a unique position to celebrate the festivities more vehemently than the average citizen, because 1) we already exist on the fringe of normal society and 2) we are better connected with who we were as children when cycling was our main mode of transportation and Halloween was  a highlight of the year.  Why shouldn't the two be combined?  After all, the legend of the headless cyclist has been circulating for centuries.

More terrifying than a headless cyclist, however is a headless fixie.

One of the richest of all Halloween traditions, second only to the flaming bag of poo of course, is dressing up in costumes, to conceal one's identity.  It is believed that this practice comes from a Celtic tradition in which disguises were worn on the Eve of All Saint's Day (October 31) to placate the evil spirits.  It seems, based on some of the recent comments made in the Tribune, that evil, anti-cycling spirits abound in Columbia these days, thus possibly requiring some extra placation.

If you are in search of a cycling-related Halloween costume - look no further.  As your COMO CYCO PooBah and purveyor of all cycling things ridiculous and random, I have tried to do the footwork for you and give you some sweet, sweet Hallo-cycling-ween inspiration.  Honestly, costumes of many kinds have become standard fare and inseparable from cycling culture.  Why not try to bust one of these out at your Halloween festivities this year.

The Devil, invoking hellish visions at a number of the European tours.

The Specialized Angel, a marketing campaign used by the cycling company to complement and capitalize on the popularity of the Devil, but with a little more sex appeal.

Even the Devil himself is tempted.  Courtesy PEZCyclingNews.com

Another kind of devil toting a pitchfork made of massive syringes mocking accused dopers at this year's tour of California.  It doesn't appear as though LA is impressed.

Borat at the Tour de France.  Nobody is impressed with this.

Sumo wrestlers and...

...an antlered tool at the Tour of California.

And while we're on the topic of antlers, don't forget about your bike.  I'm sure he or she would love to join in on the trick or treating with his/her own costume as well.

Elk-cycle

Fish-cycle.

Skele-cycle

A giant illuminated bike-snake.

And if you want to go for over-the-top cycling costume gold - just try any of the incarnations of 'Super Mario' Cipollini.  The guy was a walking costume shop.

Muscle-Mario

Julius Caesar Cipollini

Tigger Cipollini

Mario Dynamite

Ok - so you've got your costume, and you've got your bike decked out....but now you need someplace to  get your Halloween freak on.  For any town to be able to retain any cycling street cred, it MUST have a Halloween cycling bash.  This is essential.  For example....

Austin, TX has the Zombie Ball.

Seattle, WA has the 9th annual Messman's Messquerade.

Portland, OR is hosting the Oregon Homemade Bicycle Show.

What about our humble Columbia, Missouri?  Well friends, Mike Denehy and the Off Track Events crew bring us the MidMo Bike Ride to Rocheport and Halloween Bash!  This will prove to be the single best Halloween cycling bash in the entire midwest and should not be missed.

The BRR and Halloween Bash will include the following:

• a 34 mile ride to Rocheport and back via the MKT and KT trails
• free T-shirts
• Live music and street festival in Rocheport
• Costume contest
• River party at Katfish Katy's
• Blufftop party at Les Bourgeois Vineyards
• Bike parade through Rocheport
• And the promise of ghoulish prizes galore.

You can make this a two-day event with camping and gear transport to Katfish Katy's.  Take this option and watch Ghostbusters and Army of Darkness late into the witching hour.  Or you can return to Columbia Halloween evening and partake in the Halloween parade led by the COMO Derby Dames followed by a multitude of musical festivities going on at Mojo's, the Blue Note and RagTag.  For a complete rundown of the COMO musical scene Halloween night, visit A Ravenous Horde.

The festivities start 9:00 AM at Flat Branch park.  All info can be found right here.

Let's get our freaky cycling selves together and beat those anti-cycling spirits with their fear of free bike lights, official bike lanes and spandex into submission Halloween night!

Pedal On!