Monday, September 28, 2009

Reader mail

I've been receiving quite a bit of mail lately.  For some inexplicable reason, several viewers have asked my opinion on cycling-related issues.  Initially, I shied away from responding to these questions as I hardly feel qualified.  But after much prodding, I have decided to do my best to offer some advice that I hope will be of some help.

Dear PooBah,
I am shopping for my first bicycle as an adult and stumbled upon the following posting on Craigslist for a bike that I really want. I would like to start bike commuting to work to help lose some serious weight.  Do you think this bike would work for me?

Pedal Pounder

Dear  Pounder,
Sweet ride.  Quick question - have you ever tried on a pair of old jeans that are a little too small for you and asked your significant other if they make your ass look fat?  This bike is that pair of jeans.  By riding this - you are juxtaposing your girth with the ultimate definition of 'skinny'.  In addition, I'm concerned that in riding this to work, essentially straddling a skeleton, you will have the appearance of having sex with pro racer Michael Rasmussen (aka The Chicken) doggy-style.  Keep looking.

Michael "the Chicken" Rasmussen formerly of Team Rabobank.

Dear PooBah,
My boyfriend and I are having some problems.  First - he refuses to help me around the house and seems incapable of doing any chores correctly.  For example - the other evening, I asked him to simply empty the dishwasher, and although he put the dishes away, he forgot to empty the silverware basket.  He also seems to purposely want to embarrass me.  When we go riding on the trail, he insists on riding this bike which always gets snide remarks from passers-by.  What is going on with him?
At Wits End

Dear Wits End,
I hate to have to break the news to you, but your boyfriend suffers from a rare disease known as forkophobia; a fear of all things having to do with forks.  Individuals suffering from this condition have been caught trying to eat spaghetti with spoons and have sadly been known to succumb to anxiety attacks upon coming to forks in the road.  The most famous individual who had this condition was the inventor of this:

There's only one thing you can do: baptism by fire.  My father once told me that his father had taught him how to swim when he was a small boy by throwing him straight into a deep, deep lake.  So tonight, after your boyfriend falls asleep, try duct taping a fork to his forehead.  Make sure to point the tines away from the eyes.  Good luck!

Dear PooBah
I love riding my bike to class every day, and am a staunch believer in bike safety, so just bought a brand new helmet.  But when I passed by some windows of a large building this morning and saw my reflection, I was horror-stricken by how hideous my new helmet looks on my head!  I cannot return it and spent so much on it, that I have to make it work.  I've been considering ways to dress it up somehow and was thinking of purchasing one of these:  What do you think?
Thank you!
Helmut Lang-uish

Dear Helmut,
My mother used to macrame cozies for every single appliance in the kitchen...the toaster, the blender, even the butter dish.  The shit really drove me crazy and seeing this video is bringing up some very bad memories as all I can think of when I see it are the words 'helmet cozy'.  That said, one of the problems with the purchase of a brand new helmet is the concern that if you wipe out and bounce your head off the pavement, you will scratch up the shiny finish on your melon-lid. This little head Snuggy should ensure that your helmet stays nice and protected from any such dings or scrapes. You seem like the kind of person to worry about such things.  So I say go for it.

Dear PooBah,
Our son is an exchange student in Helsinki.  Last week he hailed a bike taxi which resembled a giant disembodied vagina.  He actually rode inside of it to the store!  We're afraid of what the psychological ramifications of this might be.  Advice?

Bob and Judy Mulva

Dear Mulvas,
Wow...this gives new meaning to the term "studying abroad."  Bob, Judy...I hate to break this to you, but your son is in college in a European city where bikes fashioned like gigantic genitalia are standard fare. My guess is that this is not his first close encounter of the vaginal kind.  Just be glad that the worst thing that can come from this one is a little motion sickness.  I advise you to do the same thing your son did while riding on this VAG-tastic voyage - and follow the immortal words of one Steve Winwood: roll with it, baby.

Dear PooBah
Just wanted to let you know that I've not driven my car once in the past month!  I even moved a couch over to my kid's sorority room for her with my bike.  Hope my dedication inspires your gas-guzzling readers!

Zero Emissions 

Dear Zero-
Well done.  However, I'm a little concerned that the global-warming carbon you have avoided spilling into the environment has been offset by the cloud of smug that appears to be exiting from under your recumbent.  Further, when your daughter gets kicked out of the Tri Delts house next year for allowing the freshman 15 to turn into the sophmore 60, you should consider kicking her Cleopatra-ass off the cushions and have her run alongside instead....

Pedal on!

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