Spoiler Alert! Tour Down Under edition of Friday Mail

Well, the Tour Down Under is certainly not disappointing us with respect to producing some unconventional results.  Whereas many thought this would be a race for the big-named sprinters, each day has brought a more surprising finish.  I should warn everyone that in case you are planning your entire day around the brief 30 minute telecast that Versus has dedicated to the race each afternoon, there are some spoilers contained below. 
First off - what about Cam Meyer's performance today in Stage 4?  Pushing the speed of the breakaway group, he manages to take the stage, the overall lead and the best young rider's jersey.

For the stage, he wins the bouqet of flowers, kisses from the podium girls and a large bong.

And for being the best "young rider" he wins the jersey that only looks good if you are using the aforementioned large bong.

If you've not been keeping score, you may be wondering what Cavendouche has been up to...

Well, he's had a rough go of it.  After crashing badly in Stage 2, on Stage 3 he was dropped hard finishing about 12 and a half minutes behind the winner, Michael Matthews of Rabobank.  Not only was he bringing up the rear, but the race organizers sort of forgot about him and accidentally pulled the 'green-light-truck' forward on him and then opened the course back up to public use before he could finish the last lap of the stage's circuit finish. He and a couple others had to ride in open traffic, occasionally having to stop for cars at intersections.  No love for the Manx Missile Down Under, I guess.

The Tour finishes Sunday in Adelaide.

And with that - we move onto some Reader mail:

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Dear PooBah,
My wife washed my favorite pair of white bib shorts and headband with a brand new red shirt she bought and look what happened...This is the only pair of my team's kit I have and I had to race like this!

I'm absolutely livid with her.  What do I do now?

Hank J.

Hank -

First, call your home-economics teacher from High School. Admit to her that you spent that entire semester in 1987 writing your name in Motley Crue font and drawing picture of boobs on the cover of your Trapper Keeper instead of paying attention on how to operate a washer and a dryer.  Then, pass the phone off to your wife so they can commiserate on what an insensitive dumb-ass you are.  Next, find the owner's manual for your washer and dryer, open them and read cover to cover so you can do your own flipping laundry next time.  Lastly - I'd quit wearing that headband and driving your minivan to races unless you are purposely trying to be the T-Mobile version of Uncle Rico.

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Dear PooBah,

I have a suggestion for your blog.  Why not add a book review where you can read bicycle-related books and then write reviews on them?  There are so many amazing cycling books out there.  I think your readers would love to hear all about them.  For example, right now I'm reading a cycling related detective story that is pretty scary!

I'd be happy to send you my copy when I finish it if you'd like.

Thanks!

Lyle F.

Lyle-

Thanks for the suggestion and the offer to read your book.  I have to say, it does look scary.  By the way, I hate to spoil the ending for you, but I think the Invisible Dick was eventually found.

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Dear PooBah,
What were the best cycling-related and NON-cycling-related inventions that came out in 2010?
Thanks
Margie K.

Margie-
Great question.

Best cycling-related invention of the year was definitely edible handlbars.

Best NON-cycling-related invention would have to be Chuck Norris earrings.

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Dear PooBah,

I've heard of helmet laws being pushed in a number of different states, now....but I just have to tell you.  Helmets are for pussies.

What do you think of that?-

Otto M.

Otto-

Occasionally this is true.

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Dear PooBah,

What did you think of Micheal Matthews of Rabobank winning Stage 3 of the Tour Down Under?  Do you think this win could give his career a boost?

Thanks-

Peter G.

Peter-

Not unless he quits getting his hair cut like Jodie Foster in The Accused.

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That's it for today, kids.  Have a great weekend -

A turd by any other name....

Wow - kind of a busy 24 hours....

First off, as announced yesterday, Floyd Landis is done with cycling.  Before announcing this to the press, however, he conferred with any man's closest and most reliable ally:


And 24 hours later, the Sports Illustrated article on Lance Armstrong drops.  You can read it here, if you haven't already done so.  I've been discussing it with a close friend who asked me, "Are you surprised?"  To which I replied, "Surprised, no.  Interested?  Very."  The man is fascinating.  If everything implied is true, think of what it takes to successfully hide, suppress or sugarcoat all of this evidence for that many years.  It's amazing really that he ever believed himself that he could get away with it.  But it was only made possible because of those of us who wanted to believe it all.

It's like someone just fed me a big turd and said, "Check it out - brownies." 
I reply, "Hang on, I think this may actually be poop." 
He responds, "I have never pooped in my life."
I ask, "Never?"
He answers "Ever - Plus, look how much good I've done for the world outside of cooking brownies! How could I be capable of doing anything so underhanded?" 
To which I reply, "I love how chocolaty they taste."
He reponds, "Want to buy a T-shirt with a picture of a brownie on it?"
I reply, "I'll take two."

Oh, yes you can...

Anyway - the unfortunate business is that the media attention surrounding LA detracts from the Tour Down Under.  It's actually been a little difficult to catch footage of the race, and not without having to endure some pain.  Case in point: Last night I was looking online at the Versus Channel for some highlights from Stage 1 of the Tour when a commerical for the Canadian Grand Prix Cycliste came on (which won't even occur until September!). I began to patiently sit through the obligatory advertisement, half tuning it out, while I waited for the Tour highlights to start. The ad features two generic cyclists, devoid of any team affiliation, one in green and one in blue.

Everything is going along swimmingly in the highly stylized commercial and I actually turned the volume of my speakers up in anticipation of needing to amplify Phil Ligget's hushed commentary of the forthcoming replayed action of Stage 1 when all of a sudden, at the 15 second mark of the video,  'generic green cyclist dude' inexplicably opens his mouth in a grimace and begins to scream at 'generic blue cyclist dude' like he has suddenly morphed into a bike riding velociraptor with a hot poker in his ass.

Getting the scream warmed up...

And the delivery....

Watch for yourself....remember to gird your loins at 15 seconds.




Seriously - what the fuck just happened?

As you can see, this allows 'generic green cyclist dude' to take 'generic blue cyclist dude' at the line, which, quite honestly, is a given.  'Generic green cyclist dude' ought to be thanking his lucky stars he didn't get splashed with the liquid feces he undoubtedly just forced from 'generic blue cyclist dude' by pulling a stunt like that.  No matter, I'm sure 'generic blue cycling dude' would be able to easily convince everyone he actually just shit a chocolate shake by winning the next race and throwing some money around....because, seriously - how cool would that be?  I'd even line up to buy one.

Scratching and barking: The road season begins

The folks at weather.com just straight up lied to us about the weather this past weekend.  What were supposed to be partly sunny days in the low 40's ended up being three consecutive days of a severe weather advisory based on the threat of freezing fog.  I can attest to the following things.  There was fog.  And it was freezing.  More specifically, my left ball to my right.

But with all the excitement of the return of pro-road racing, how could I resist not getting out there myself, despite how truly miserable I was.  One might think the exciting PRO road racing I'm speaking of is the Tour Down Under, and the return of epic battles between Armstrong and Evans, the introduction of an all-new powerhouse Team Sky, the re-formed BMC squad complete with both a world Champion and US Champion, and the debut of Team SHACK.  But you would be wrong on all counts.  The real story of the day is the Chicken!

No - not that Chicken.  I'm talking about the return of Michael Rasmussen, aka "the Chicken", to professional racing in Argentina at the Tour de San Luis.  In 2007 Rasmussen was fired by Team Rabobank while wearing the maillot jaune in the Tour de France because of numerous doping suspicions and curious absences in the weeks leading up to the tour. One would expect the return of any shamed cyclist to be a humble one, but this chicken apparently has talons that even Napolean Dynamite would fear as humility isn't quite the correct term to describe how he feels about his one-year contract with Italian team Miche.

"I had hoped to return to a higher level than this, but there is so much hypocrisy in cycling now, it was not possible." Rasmussen told the Danish daily Politiken, as written in VeloNews.  He goes on to say in another article "...for the team (Miche), they might have bigger options and different possibilities by signing me, it might open a few more doors in some senses.  That is why they are here (at the Tour de San Luis), they got the invitation because of me."

Henry Ford once said, "Business is never so healthy as when, like a chicken, it must do a certain amount of scratching for what it gets."  Scratch away Chicken, scratch away.

Someone who is not scratching these days is Andy Schleck, who was recently asked by Oakley to try out some new sunglasses for the day.  Cyclingnews just so happened to catch up with him and take multiple photographs of the session in which Kiko Garcia of Oakley asked for feedback from Andy and Frank on the prototype shades for this year's season.

And if the Chicken is scratching and the Shlecks are thieving, we need look no further than World Champion Cadel Evans to be positively barking.   If you've not heard, Cadel's motto has become "Don't stand on my dog!"   I'm a little worried about Cadel, honestly.  I visited his website shop to purchase my very own "Don't stand on my dog!" T-shirt, and found a picture of him modelling the shirt.

And when he arrived in Adelaide the other day to start the Tour Down Under, he was wearing the exact same thing, hat and bracelet included.  If you're not familiar with the "Don't stand on my dog" reference, you can read about it here.

Good to see he still has his sense of humor this season though!

Pedal on!

29th place is the new "1st place"...

I've heard the saying that "2nd place is like being the first loser."  In fact, Heinrich Haussler of the Cervelo Test Team was quoted as saying this very thing after he lost the '09 edition of Milan-Sanremo by centimeters to Mark Cavendish as he lay on the pavement in the fetal position, in a puddle of his own sick.

This now infamous and heartwrenching scene has been recently recreated as a children's toy, so kids can also learn about the sting of being considered "the first loser." (Gawking bystanders are apparently sold separately.)

 If finishing 2nd is, in fact, like being the first loser, then I suppose finishing 29th is like being the 28th loser? I mention this because the Santos Tour Down Under is set to start in Australia on Tuesday.  And if you follow the link to the TDU's website, you will see the following as part of the site's header:

Customarily, the major Tours will use the previous year's winner, or perhaps a special jersey bearer, to promote the current edition of the race.  Thus, in the promos for 2010, one would think the Tour Down Under website's header would feature Australia's own Allan Davis, who not only finished first overall, but was 1st in points classifications, and won stages 2,4 and 5 of the 2009 race.  Oddly enough, this year, the organizers of the TDU have decided to break with tradition, and have used the individual who finished in 29th place.  Someone named Armstrong or something.  I, for one, fully support the use of less-accomplished riders to promote races, as it introduces us, the spectators, to individuals we may not have heard of before.  And perhaps it will build the self-esteem of all the losers (aka - anyone who didn't finish 1st).  After all, we really shouldn't be advocating the types of experiences poor Haussler had to go through.  If the Tour de France follows the lead of the TDU, then we can expect to see Christophe Moreau (no cycling slouch there) as this year's poster-boy of the French tour.

And the 2010 Giro d'Italia will have the face of none other than Thomas Rohregger, who finished 29th in 2009.

In a joint effort to promote Those Who Don't Finish First, the Versus channel is going to be airing a special on January 23rd in conjunction with their coverage of the Tour down Under, entitled Lance Armstrong: The Next Chapter.  The word "Next" in this case likely refers to the 30th chapter, but you get the inference.  I fully expect to see similar documentaries on Versus for Moreau and Rohregger for the other grand tours, and honestly, cannot wait.

So who am I pulling for in this year's TDU? Well, I sincerely hope someone on the new Footon-Servetto-Fuji squad will come in 29th....because I would LOVE to see one of these uniforms headlining the promotions for next year's race.  What says I'm the 28th loser better than wearing kit which makes you look like you were trampled naked by sasquatch?

Pedal on!