Timing is everything: Ass-kissing 101.

Timing is everything, as they say.

Which leads me to this June 7th announcement I just read:

U.S. Postal Service's Bicycling Stamps Promote Healthy Lifestyle

"Excuse me, garçon?  Could I please have an extra helping of bad timing to go with my irony and lentil soup?  Thank you."

Just remember to NOT lick the backs of the stamps within 14 days of any kind of competition that requires you to pee in a cup.

Speaking of the ramifications of having hot piss, we recently witnessed with the Alberto Contador case that if one loses the winner's Maillot Jaune due to doping infractions, the jersey is passed down to whomever is next on the podium - in that case Andy Schleck.  So this got me thinking - who actually will be awarded the wins for the Tour de France from 1999-2005 if Armstrong loses those jerseys as a result of the USADA investigation?  It's not as easy as just picking 2nd place - because most of those guys have subsequently been found to be loaded to the gills as well.  I went in search of an answer for this and the best source I could find was an article written by Bill Strickland in 2010.  For his analysis, Mr. Strickland was also curious what the podium would look like if all convicted dopers are removed for each of those years. Riders were not eliminated if there were only rumors or suspicion.  Thus, he excluded Lance Armstrong from the list in his article.  I will play devil's advocate and take it one step further to examine who would be awarded the maillot jaune if Armstrong is found to be guilty and have included any cyclist who has been convicted of doping since.  Interesting to note is just how far down the list you have to go in some years to get to someone who has not been found guilty by some governing body.  Here we go!

1999:  New winner: Fernando Escartin (formerly 3rd place)

2000:  New winner: Fernando Escartin (formerly 9th place)

2001: New winner: Andrei Kivilev (formerly 4th place)

(died as a result of a crash in the 2003 Paris-Nice race)

2002: New winner: Jose Azevedo (formerly 6th place)

2003: New winner: Haimar Zubeldia (formerly 5th place)

2004: New winner: Andrea Kloden (formerly 2nd place)

2005: New winner: Cadel Evans (formerly 8th place)

Yeah - you're probably thinking what I'm thinking.  If we allow suspicion to creep in, then several of these guys don't exactly look squeaky clean either - especially those that later went on to race for the Hog. 

And in the "Ass Kissing Will Get You Everywhere" department comes this chain of events:  One week ago Team RadioShack's director Johan Bruneel emphatically says Chris Horner is not racing in the Tour de France because he didn't race in the Tour de Suisse.  Period.  But doesn't have the decency to tell him this personally, and Chris has to learn about it when his wife reads it on the web.  Horner responds with a bit of understandable anger initially, but then yesterday issues this statement on Cyclingnews:

Chris Horner: I don't believe Armstrong cheated

And miracle beyond miracles, look what happens less than 12 hours later as reported by Bicycling.

Team boss Bruyneel is 'rethinking' RadioShack squad for Tour de France.

"I was talking with Johan yesterday about the Tour," Horner told Bicycling on Friday.  "We had some lost communication between us before the 14-man selection was made.  He said he will rethink the team for the Tour now with me in the mix.  So there is still a chance of me going.  Johan and I had a great talk so I'm hoping it all works out."

I don't know whose pandering is worse....Horner's to the Bruyneel-Armstrong machine, or Bruyneel to the American public by now considering a popular American for the last spot on the team two days after the USADA shit hits the fan.  It's pretty convenient for Johan that Andy broke his ass when he did so that he could play the Horner card to save a little face with some American skeptics in the wake of the systematic doping allegations.  Timing is everything.  And I thought for sure Chris was going to respond to Bruyneel with answer 'd'. 

Only time for a few of letters today:

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Dear PooBah,

Shakespeare's Pizza (Best College Hangout in the nation as declared by Good Morning America) wants to revitalize it's pedicab service and is looking for pilots!  Can you tell any interested parties about it?  Thanks!

Bob

Will do.  Anyone interested can drop me an email and I will forward the phone number you need to call to get hooked up!

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Dear PooBah,

I heard that a weekly cyclocross series is in the works for Columbia this coming fall, suitable for experts and beginners alike.  This sounds amazing!  I want to participate, but have never raced cross before and know how competitive the cycling atmosphere here in COMO is, so I'm a little nervous.  Any advice as to the equipment I should have?

Thanks!

Jerry G.

Jerry-

Just remember - it has nothing to do with your bike, and everything to do with your kit.  As a newb, I'd think about sporting one of these for your first season:

The Medieval Hoodie!

It's even made out of cotton so that you can sweat your balls off and lose that extra few pounds you've been toting around all summer.

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Dear PooBah,

The shocks on my fork are squeaking something horribly!  I took a picture of them which I'm attaching to this email.  I wonder if you could take a peak and tell me what the problem might be?

Thank you so much -

Heather F.

Heather,

For the life of me I cannot see the bike in the photograph you enclosed.  I think I better see it in person.

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